New Things

OK someone told me tonight if I got on the blog it would help me to express somethings and It would help so here it goes. I really have about 4 hours of work to do and I keep putting it off. But anyway since this is a new thing for me. I am not one to express how I feel out in the open for everyone to read. I have reasons why. First for anyone who knows me well I use to be outgoing I was a person who went after what I wanted and I did with fun in mind. I guess I still do it just a little more quietly. God has been working on me about forgiveness and trust. The two things I just struggle with. Anyone and everyone is saying just hand it over. Well guess what that makes me mad! This isn't working for me all I want to do is cry. Which I try not to do because McKenna is in the next room and even though she would like me to think she is a sleep she's not. Anyway back to my issues I want to change more than anything. I'm not ready to have my heart and feelings stomped on again and people turn their back on me. Yet I know that God hasn't turned his back on me but I am really having trouble hearing him.

I read this book last weekend it talks about forgiveness. It talked about how forgiveness doesn't make a problem go away, it gives you peace christ intended. Yet I'm not angry or bitter about the hurt but the hurt was so bad I don't want to go down that path again. In my book it talked about the fact that we can start out as a caterpillar a furry creature scooting along the ground wondering why we can't seem to fly. Then God in all his goodness, encourages us to crawl in a hole, bury our old selves and die to the life we once knew. If we do that, if we trust him with our entire existence, then he'll give us something beautiful in exchange. He gives us wings. Now in this book it talks about second chances and when we find ourselves on the ground to remember second chances happen throughout our lives and we are to forgive seventy times seven or always. No matter what god waits with open arms ready to give me a second chance no matter how many times I ask for that second chance he will give it. Well I would like to use my wings again and their flapping but I guess something is holding me back.

This isn't everything I've been thinking its just a start. Thanks everyone for encouraging me to do this. I appreciate your friendships and your encouragement. Keep on challenging me. I don't feel any better but I don't feel any worse.