I haven't been able to stay awake long enough to come in to the computer room and think about how I am feeling. Which is sad because I thought I could stay numb just a little longer till I could figure it all out in my head and then write it down WRONG!!! I have such a sad and yet selfish heart right now. It has been a little over a year since I started my path with Breast Cancer I didn't understand why God was letting this happen I am a single parent with a child who is loved by all but is cared for by me. I also know her heavenly father is looking after her more than what I ever can. I feel its such an honor that God gave me my little girl to raise. Yet I have this ever pestering thought in the back of my head. Am I going to be there to raise her!!! I know its the devil and I know he's trying hard to take me down. But I will not give up!!! A couple of weeks ago I went down and prayed for another friend who has a terminal cancer and she is in the 4th year of the 5 years that the doctors gave her to live. Mine was treatable her's isn't. Am I selfish yes!!! A friend and I went down on her behalf for healing for her and I. I felt such a peace when I got up from that alter!!! Yet everyday the devil is trying to make me panic.
I found out that a friend's sister has been given 1-2 months to live. I wanted to scream why as loud as I could. Yet instead I prayed that I could understand this and be a friend and not compare it to me. Tonight I was going through the different blogs and I came across Kerri's blog and a song she had on it.
The Blood that Jesus shed for me,
way back on calvary.
The Blood that gives me strength from day to day
it will never never lose its power.
For it reaches to the highest mountains
and it flows to the lowest valleys
Oh the Blood that gives me strength from day to day
IT WILL NEVER NEVER LOSE ITS POWER
It soothes my doubts and calms my fears
and it drys all my tears
Oh the Blood that gives me strength from day to day
it will never lose its power
Wow thanks Kerri I needed to see those words.
Some of the other thoughts I have been dealing with is my job. I found out a couple of months ago that my company is merging with an old company that I use to work for. It was decided in their best interest and I never wanted to go back there to begin with. That they didn't want me. I started getting a little nervous yet I wasn't. Because I felt that God didn't hand me my beautiful home to loose it. I started thinking about what I wanted to do. Then I realized that my second company that I do billing for needed a biller. Yet I was afraid to call or seek employement for fear that they didn't know what was going on. I just found out last month that they were aware and thinking about what they wanted to do. My boss who I try to have the greatest respect for and sometimes can't find that respect but manage to keep myself together was going to take care of me and get them to take me. That scared me because sometimes she goes overboard which meant I could loose the one chance I had for a good job. On Friday of last week I found out that it was official that my whole area didn't have a job because the merger didn't have room for any of the 4 of us. I didn't think about it I didn't panic but it was in the back of my mind. On Monday I got a call from one of the doctors and he informed that he wanted me to come and work for him no matter what!!!! PRAISE GOD FROM WHOM ALL BLESSINGS FLOW. I just have to keep praying that the next few months go good.
