life

It's pretty sad when you can't sleep because your head can't relax. Right now I should be sleeping, resting so that I can get up on time for work. My head is thinking of everything that is a wonder, an anger, a frustration. I don't understand why I see myself sitting on the sidelines and no one talking to me. I am not feeling God right now. I feel like he is ignoring me and not hearing me. I have been praying for a miracle and the day came and past just like any other day no answer no comfort no miracle!!!

Lately I feel like a bad mom I don't seem to have myself together as I normally do. My child and I are getting by day by day. I have messed up a few times and have been able to correct the situation. What I don't understand is why my child can't have a earthly father. I'm mad because everyone around me seems content and it looks like God is taking care of them and providing their needs. While I figure where and how to buy groceries, clothing for my child, gas for my car. On a paycheck that hasn't changed in two years. I normally have these areas of my life in working order but it's kind of hard when child support has stopped, pay raises have stopped and it seems like God has stopped. I need a small whisper from God and I don't seem to be finding that. I am writing this hoping it helps me see the small light from God not so that everyone can feel sorry for me that is not my wish. No one but me put myself in this situation.

I have so much more to say unfortunately my child just woke up from sleep and is wanting me to lay down with her. It's crazy it's 2:00 am in the morning and I am unable to sleep please let me sleep.

debbie

Good Week

Wow what a good week this has been. First McKenna lost a tooth on Sunday and on Monday. She is now toothless. Her top front teeth are gone. With two more to fall out yet. I really can see how much she is growing because of the spaces between her teeth are more noticeable. Plus I could sit for hours and look at the world from her eyes. She is constantly reminding me that there is goodness in this world from her point of view. Because what she counts as exciting and neat we as adults forget to think about. Thursday we went to her school for Arts with the Kindergartners. She made this picture of a butterfly and they turned it into a magnet. I was so proud of her. We then went into the Library for a quick little concert by them. I was so proud of her she did the motions and sang. We have reached a new high!!! Yahoo!!!!

Thursday I woke up so tense that I could not eat all day. Nor did I sleep good I was worried. I decided I needed to pray but it was still on my mind is today the day or do I get good news again. So many of my friends haven't been so lucky. Did God hear my prayer. I also think am I deserving enough to have another chance at life with my daughter. That may sound bad but that is my thinking. My chances of survival are 78-88%. Who am I to ask God for one more day or one more year with my daughter. My ups and downs in life and with God make me feel that I am not deserving to have another day or that I need to be taught another lesson. I am trying to change my thinking but its hard to not think this way. I leave work at 2:00 and drive to the doctor.
Unfortunately it took only about 8 pictures to get the xrays good enough for the doctor to read them. For the first time they showed me my first X-rays 2 years ago to my X-rays today. I could not see anything but I kept praying as they went in and out of the room taking more X-rays. I am then taken into the room to speak to my doctor who tells me once again..... Your clean everything looks fine!!!!!!!!!! I was so happy that I was done ready to leave. He was kind enough to drain some fluid out of my pocket of my lumpectomy to give me some relief from pain and then I was out the door. For one more day with my daughter, family and friends. Because unlike some other people I can only take one day at a time.

Thank you God for granting me one more day and hour and whatever else you give me to be with my family and friends. Especially my little girl.

something new

yesterday we did our normal things we got up ate breakfast and got ready for church. Today McKenna is very excited because we went to a birthday party. That is the day I realized that McKenna is just like her mom. She's not afraid of much. She told me all day that she wasn't going to climb the wall. I looked to the back of the room yesterday and there was McKenna putting on a safety belt. She figured it out with a little help and then she climbed the wall. She kept asking Mommy will you be here to catch me if I fall. She must have asked this 3 times. Each time I reassured her that I was right by here. Guess what McKenna fell off the wall. But her mommy was there to catch her.

Guess what how many times do we fall off the wall and God is there to catch us? How many times do we test him to ask if he is there? How many times do we yell out in frustration and God catches us and holds us close.

He was there all the time!! He was there all the time. My mind is going blank this early in the morning!! I can't remember the rest of the words.

But thank you Lord!!!!
You are there all the time.

Valentines Day

One week ago my little girl sits down on the couch crosses her leg and sits like a little lady and says Mom what do you want for Valentines day and I told her she didn't need to get me anything because I had her. She was pretty upset with me for saying that. So I told her she could get me some flowers and that was enough for me. Thinking it would never happen!!

Today I was in my office working and I was told I had something up front. I walked up front and there was a carnation and a rose from my little peabody. It totally made my day and reminded me that love from such a little girl had such a big heart.

As McKenna finished up our Valentines that we made for Grandma and Grandpa and also for her Godparents. She was so determined to do it her way. I just sat there watching and smiling. She did it her way!! She was so excited as she told me a story about the cards she was decorating for everyone. I realized she is learning so much at school. She told me a story about the bee and the nectar and what it was for.

I love my little girl!!!!

another day

Another day or should I say weekend and it went fast. It seems I was so busy making everyone else happy from my cousins who spent the night with us friday. Then it was making McKenna happy which I never mind. Not only did she play with her favorite cousin but she also played with Delaney. She had a smile on her face the whole day. Then we also have the most important thing Camp out. McKenna and I put on our pajama's and no one else is allowed to join us we then find a good movie appropriate for McKenna's attention. We stay up until the movie is over. We climb in my bed get under the covers and snuggle and watch a movie.

This week was a big step for her. She got her first report card. I am so proud of her. She thought she was just queen of the world. Plus she has her third tooth loose. She is now not afraid and is trying to get the tooth loose every chance she gets. She thinks she is behind. All her other friends have lost 7 or more teeth. I always remind her to be happy with her current part of life. Don't hurry!! Mommy isn't in a hurry!!!

Yet today McKenna is miserable. She has a bad sore throat and cough and also a fever. I am doing my best to keep her healthy. Next weekend is Disney Princess on ice. She is definitely counting down. Plus her cousins birthday party. To even top that McKenna has been exposed to chicken pox's or as McKenna continues to call them chicken pop's. Hopefully we only have one more week of incubation before we see if she gets the chicken pox's.

Now I need to lay me down to sleep!!! I have the two busiest days are Monday and Tuesday because it is month end. I am still needing to work late tomorrow and get this at a good point.

Good Night!!
debbie

thinking

I have been thinking today on the Lord's day about how much I don't know. About how the answers aren't there for us at the drop of a hat. I am finally beginning to realize that I am not in control. Which I don't like. Because I am a single parent. I have to do things that two people usually do. I realize that because I have to think of everything and do everything. I realized that I was doing this in my walk with God. I constantly feel like I am walking around numb and missing out on friends and the things around me that God wants me to do and not what I want to do. As much as it frustrates me when someone ask me why I don't have something done and what is taking me so long.

I realize that there aren't too many people in my world that is a single parent. The ones that are single parents seem to have come full circle and they are no longer single!!! I didn't plan it this way. I truly thought that we could work through our problems and be there to raise our daughter. Today my favorite little girl was asking about her dad again. I finally told her that he lives here in town. I think it finally sunk in. I told her that he has other plans. There is no polite or easy way to say he doesn't want to be with us. How do you explain this to a six year old. If I could change it I would. She suggested that we pray for him again. You know I have done everything I can to go on with life and not look back. It was too painful to look back at the failure of a relationship of 6 1/2 years. She wants to see her dad. I don't know what to do about this. I need to protect her. Yet I know that God is her father and he is looking after her.

I am ready for something new in our lives. McKenna and I need someone to come in and be a part of our life. I am truly wondering what new experience God has coming our way.

Last night as McKenna got ready for bed she put on these pajama's that were too small. They had feet in them and when she put them on I realized that she is not my little short stuff. She is definitely growing. I just love talking with her. Her ideas are just amazing to me. Yesterday we did girls lunch. We called her Grandma and went to the salad bar at Frisch's. Home of the big boy. She is not the normal child. She ordered the salad bar and ate a salad and fruit. We read a book last night that talked about what to do when she gets angry!! Something that we all even adults need to work on.

I need to go I could blog for a while but I'll come back for another day.

New Year New Goals

I haven't done very good with blogging in the last 6 months or even longer. I am just too tired and too... OH well. I have been thinking about the New Year and what it has in store for me. Lately I haven't been too excited about it and yet I am trying to change that thought. I read a friends blog today and realized that I let in a negative thought. After Breast cancer I decided to not sweat the small stuff. Yet that is exactly what I have been doing. After having a bad week at work and wanting to go home and hide for the weekend. God had something else in mind. He gave me two of my favorite cousins in the whole family who came down today and we have just been hanging out. Took the kids to the Train show came back and let them play and we did nothing else. I realize now that I enjoyed so much just being myself. I don't have to explain anything to them. They take me for what I am worth. Thank you God for family like that!

Finally my little girl. She is growing so fast learning how to spell words. Learning how to read. She has really grown physically. Still short and tiny to the kids in her class. But still oh so much like her mother. I am so proud of the way she thinks and is always saying to me mom that is so momish!! Another words I am doing it again. Being a parent. I have so many goals,wants and wishes for her. Yet I have been reminded this past month. That God has goals,wants and wishes for us also. To put him first!!! I am struggling so bad right now. For every right decision I make I find the devil just sitting around the corner to put doubt and fear in my heart. Please Lord remimd me that not only are you first. But also keep my life in your hands. I could go on forever but I need to get to bed. I have a breakfast to fix in the morning and a hot tea I am looking forward too.

Good night!